My Chariot
isn't mine at all
I started my day with blessing my new tarot deck, The Herbcrafter’s Tarot. Criss-cross seated on the floor at my personal altar, I prayed with this deck while it was snug in my hands, setting my intentions and opening myself to the spirit this deck holds. What awareness am i meant to hold and be with right now? i ask.
The Sun, also represented by St. Johns Wort fell eagerly.. i remember the audible “ooo” that passed my lips. At the bottom of the deck The Lovers card, also represented by Hawthorn beamed at me. Give thanks, this deck is a gentle one. I suppose i didn’t have any expectations for what message would find me, but i was nervous. I had spent that early morning crying at my altar; sleep couldn’t find me since sorrow had held my serenity captive.
3:36am 7/22/25
i’m feeling so much sadness right now. The chariot, my chariot in reverse. not mine at all. i’m thinking about them holding me, giving me exactly what i needed.
I journaled, somewhat self conscious to be showing up to my altar again broken hearted. Oh, Taj-Levi, what a love sick fool you are. Fool or not, i filled the page with my grief. In the dim candlelight i let my muted sobs touch each corner, praying the sound didn’t seep out of the cracks of my bedroom door. I was a mess of snot and tears, expressing my shame and frustrations to spirit, allowing myself to be bare and broken. I was safe there, even through the feelings of shame, i know that i was held with tenderness there on the floor.
The Sun — Spirit offered me a tool. Joy flowing through the medicine of St. Johns Wort. Spirit reaffirmed how bright my vitality burns, and told me to seek things that mirror that.
id be amiss to ignore the illumination of the child within me, the child who loved so big, even through disappointment. id be amiss to ignore the cycle. the cycle of settling, taking what i could get, and seeing only what affirms my desire.
The Lovers — berries emerge from pollinated flowers.. a partnership feeding the bee and the tree. this card offered that relationship based on shared desires lead to sweet reward. The Lovers is about choice.
and all of a sudden we’re in my kitchen, and you have raw garlic on your breath. i wanted something so sweet with you, something that satiated my fierce cravings. spirit says to want what wants me back and i’m tempted to cry again. there is no fruit here, and none on the way.
“Visit a hawthorn tree. Hang your wounds on the thorns.”
Theres a hawthorn tree at my local park, and i plan to hang my wounds there, but to also experience the medicine of it’s abundant fruit. Spirit tells me to choose what chooses me, and i doubt theres any room within that wisdom to choose what MIGHT choose me later.
I choose me now. So does the sweet lovers that i’m grateful to be held by.
It’s so ironic, The Chariot comes right after The Lovers card. A decision followed by focused action and expression of will.
May six hold me where your seven couldn’t. My chariot, who was never mine at all.
The Lovers are the ones who show themselves, who look to actually face love. They are the ones who present themselves, bare, vulnerable, and unashamed to desire.
— Red Tarot by Christopher Marmolejo
I won’t rush myself to banish the feelings of shame that show up as i realize i’ve done the “thing” again. Especially when this time around they held me just how i needed without me uttering a word, held my worries and daily grievances with a cool, grounding kind of care. Especially when my shame sits beside a face that pulls me deep into reverie with it’s gently crafted features. My love for them suspended in time.
We bore fruit in our own little world, in the world where we kissed in front of moving images, smiles immediate and silky.
As i’m preparing to publish this Open the Door by Betty Carter began to play..