PASSING THROUGH
as the parent and the child
Journal Entry
March 3rd 2025
Feeling momentarily down on myself. This is my third month in a row struggling to pay rent. I’m unemployed. My bank account hasn’t seen 1k in so long. *sigh* I need different. I NEED different. Maybe i’ve been making excuses for myself. Why am I so concerned with pleasure when I can barely pay my rent? Free me from being such a pisces. IM SAD. I’m hungry for more, but I also feel so tired and broken down. What do I do? WHAT DO I DO? I’m just feeling bad. I’m feeling worried and not super confident. I’m going to go to Trader Joes and figure everything else out later. One step at a time. sigh sigh sigh…
It’s March 4th 2025. I woke up at 7:30am. Breakfast was prepared, my altars we lit, I prayed on my knees, did yoga, and massaged my wrists and ankles with self love oil that I conjured up many moons ago. I am not the loser that I felt like yesterday.
Every now and again desperation seeps in through the cracks and I feel seized by impending doom. I am learning how to prioritize, while also taking care. Things have been moving, I have been moving. I am twenty-six years old and I am teaching myself discipline, and sometimes that feels like I am a twenty-six year old who will always be behind. The fog. The fog is thick with wishing, insecurity, trauma, and doubt. I am learning to honor those moments where I am afraid.
Oh how I wish that my fears were met with someone checking under my bed for monsters, a nightlight, and a kiss on the forehead. Feelings of need make me feel five years old, and I am having to be the baby and the parent. Oh thank God for practice. Thank God that I am a forgiving child. It’s difficult being a parent for the first time. I am afraid to get it wrong, I am afraid to traumatize this human I love so much, I am afraid that we will grow apart. I’m checking under the bed for monsters, and I too am afraid of what may look back at me. I check, though, I check. The baby is afraid, and so is the parent. The parent is brave, and so is the baby. Oh how I am swirling on my own feet in this dance.
There was a time where the feelings I had yesterday would linger for weeks, leaving me bound to pity and my mattress. I am up today, at only 1pm. I’m in a cafe divining with a confrontation of feeling and reflection. I am so fucking proud of myself. I am growing everybody, I AM GROWING! But seriously, I am so excited for an elder to enter this chat.
🖤🖤🖤🖤