this is all i got

life is really hard. i'm resilient. i'm tired.

it’s 8am and i’m only awake because my bladder interrupted my sleep. the plan was to masturbate and be rocked to sleep by the release, but obviously i’m writing.

two months ago, i had all of these plans on devoting myself to writing in a way that is consistent, passionate, and in flow. i wanted to take advantage of the virgo energy and get my house in order.. however for the past two months i’ve been grappling with unexpected horrors.

i’ve been holding tight to my (ex)metamor while we both grieve and process an iceberg (putting it lightly) of a relationship we shared with the same person.

i’ve been screaming and crying in brooklyn neighborhoods as i catch my therapist up on the last week of bullshit via zoom.

i’ve been getting acclimated to a new job (which is my dream job, btw)

i’ve been nurturing two new romantic relationships which are now my (only?) romantic relationships by way of TWO consecutive breakups.

i’ve been processing a really big truth that has shaped the way i’ve seen love all along.

i’ve been deepening my relationship with my chosen little sister.

i’ve been having (amazing) sex, but not nearly enough to drown out the horrors.

i’ve been smoking A LOT of weed (amongst other herbs) and honestly it has been life saving and deeply medicinal.

shrooms have been healing me, too.

i’ve been going on endless passionate tangents about white supremacy and the many ways it is embedded into EVERYTHING!

i’ve been prescribed blood pressure meds.. i’m 26.

i’ve contemplated pausing testosterone because i’m afraid of male pattern baldness (i decided i’m taking my shot today).

i’ve been platonically falling in love with my roommate who is absolutely now my family in every sense of the word.

i been decorating my room! it’s so cute, everyone should come over (its really hard leaving home and i’m afraid my friends will think i’m neglectful).

i started locking my bedroom door again despite all of the work i had to do to unlearn the habit.

my spirits have been super loud, it feels like i’m being initiated.

the conversations i’ve been having with older black queers (at my dream job) lately are saving me!

i been having a whole lotta thought and conversation about justice.

now, i’m going to walk the next block over for cuddles from my friend/lover who is sweet and gentle with me.

‘til i have more!

— your (maybe?) fav lover boy